Spoken word - Clayton Jennings
You won’t win. Even though some weeks you are persistent. The moment my head hits the pillow, I suddenly feel you creeping in, contaminating and controlling me. I feel the ache in my chest, the tightening of every muscle in my body. My breathing gets faster and my thoughts start racing like an f1 driver.
What’s wrong with me? Why did I say that today? Why on earth did I laugh at that moment? and what was I thinking this morning when I choose that outfit?
Every single second of the day starts flicking past in my mind and I am forced to watch it back, forced to notice every fault and every insecurity. I am the starring actor and the reviews are flooding in, all negative - shocking, terrible, worst film ever written. Who was that leading girl? she’s couldn’t even play herself convincingly.
Is this actually how others see me?
It’s quite funny how you think you have now won. I am absorbed by my deepest negative thoughts, surrounded by darkness and fear.
Like I said before, you won’t beat me! Because even when you try your hardest to defeat me, and you think you are on the verge of winning, my God comes to save me and is bigger and stronger than anything you can throw at me.
I need to fight back.
It’s time to start looking at the good reviews:
Today I smiled a lot, I like my smile.
Today I made a difference.
Today I helped someone.
Today I survived.
I am the lead character in this story, but God is the director and the best part about movies, is just when everything seems like it’s going wrong, when the villain looks like he might have won, the hero arrives. My hero is Jesus. He plays a key role in my narrative. He is the one who saves, the one who restores, the one who calms the storms, the one who is in every scene, He is the mountain mover, the answer to every cliffhanger. He is in the prequel and He features in the sequel.
Fear you don’t stand a chance.
So, yes, maybe today you attacked and for just a moment it looked like you were winning. But you were just a giant in my way. God gave me the tools to call on His name and say no; to stand up and fight.
In fact, maybe I should thank you for reminding me of how much my God loves me, how much He stands by me as my biggest fan, my greatest friend and the one who will always triumph over anything that tries to stop me.
So goodbye, I know you will try again but please just remember, you won’t win.