• Mary

Thoughts. Feelings. Truth.

This blog has been a long time coming for me. I have struggled on off, for as long as I can remember, with looking in the mirror and actually liking what I see. This was the first ever spoken word I wrote and is probably the most personal one to me…

Thoughts. Feelings. Lies. These completely controlled my entire life. I would think about everything that was wrong with how I looked, I constantly felt ugly and uncomfortable, which led to me believing that I could never be loved. And I am not going to sit here hiding behind my laptop saying that I never think this way anymore, because I do still have these thoughts. But, the difference is I now can see them for what they are, lies.

‘It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting thoughts into their minds in reality our best work is done by keeping things out’ Screwtape; C.S. Lewis.

BTW – If you haven’t read this book, you’re missing out! ‘Screwtape letters’ by C.S Lewis shows us how the enemy tries to trick and manipulate us.

This quote completely nails it on the head, I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and comparison that I wasn’t able to absorb anything that God was trying to say. People would complement me, and I would just want to scream at them for mocking me, I would read the bible and I would just shrug it off “as if that’s meant for me, God clearly made a mistake here”. I was so consumed with hating myself that it wasn’t that no one else wanted to love me, I wouldn’t let them.

And even now I am writing this totally battling with the lies! - “You can’t write this because you still don’t like how you look”, “You hypocrite!”, “How can you say this when you still worry about the opinions of others”, “People will see right through you” – But you know what, I am battling this, I am still struggling with this, but I will not let it beat me or tear me down. My foundation and identity are in God and God alone. Father, continue to tear down these lies! I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am your special treasure, I am your daughter with whom you are well pleased!

Thoughts, Feelings, Truth.

Let’s go back to comparison. This is the thing that really destroys. And if I’m being honest it can break us in multiple ways. Of course, there is comparing yourself to others who you see as ‘more beautiful’ than you. We can see our friends losing weight or buying a new dress and looking stunning, so why do we then automatically look at ourselves instead of celebrating the work of art they are? – (‘cause let me tell you, God did a good job with you. Period.). However, there is another danger in comparison, we can look the other way and feel pride expressing vanity through looking at someone and feeling ‘better’ than they are. Comparison sucks and actually Ed Sheeran summarises this pretty well:

‘All of us have our very own unique DNA that can’t be duplicated, there is no one in the world that can do what you do, but there is someone in the world who is going to try and they will fail because they should be doing what they do best.’

God has perfectly created you, just as you are - with those freckles, with that hourglass body, with that birth mark, with your smile – there is no one else like you and God doesn’t want you to try and be anyone else but the incredible person he has designed you to be.

I feel like I have only just scratched the surface with this blog post and so I think I am probably going to continue looking at this for the next few weeks. We are going through this together and if any of you at all have had a similar journey to me, I would love for you to reach out and message me with your story and anything else you would like me to write about on this topic of identity.

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